My Greatest Success Led to My Greatest Depression

Even though it is today that I am publishing this first post, in reality this blog started three and a half years ago. It was July 20, 2020, months into my deepest depression when I woke up and said “I can’t stand myself or my life anymore.” I was desperate and filled with shame. I hadn’t done anything wrong, in fact, I had done exactly what society had asked and expected of me, and I had given it my all. 

What had gone wrong? Just 6 months earlier, at the young age of 38, I had sold my tech company and had reached my lifelong dream of retiring by 40. I had done it and it felt amazing! Actually, amazing falls short to describe how it felt, I felt absolutely euphoric for days and weeks. My happiness and self-esteem levels were at an all-time high, but it was all very short-lived. Only a few months had passed since reaching my biggest “achievement” and every day had become an epic battle with my own thoughts to get my body out of bed. I was alone in my shame. I felt that I couldn’t speak with anyone — I mean, how ungrateful of me to be complaining after reaching what society and I had considered such a huge success.

So I did what I had been taught to do, and had become an expert at: I got busy.  My wife and I went searching for a new home for our family of four, and soon to be five. It felt good to be busy again, to have a challenge, a goal, and I was determined to find the house of our dreams. And we did. We moved into our new dream house on July 4th, 2020, and I will never forget what I told my wife while we were sitting on our backyard, overlooking the ocean water, which reflected a beautiful sunset combined with incredible 4th of July fireworks back at us. I said “since leaving Colombia at the age of 17 and coming to the United States, I don’t even recall how many different houses and apartments I’ve lived in, but today, I finally feel at home.” It felt as if that 4th of July was my Independence Day.

Just a couple of weeks later, perhaps it was actually only days, I was once again struggling to get out of bed. I was in a deep depression — only that this time it was on the second floor of a much larger house. What now? I asked myself. It was only then, after months of intense struggle, that I finally realized that nothing material, no accolades, no trophies, no external validation would fill the void I had inside. 

There I was, lying in bed, completely lost. Who am I? What am I here for? I had no idea, and even worse, I had no idea how to figure it out or how to get started. Those two seemingly simple questions have led me on an inward journey of self-discovery, which has been both the most satisfying and challenging chapter of my life. 

My commitment with this blog is to share the good, the bad and the ugly. To share what I’ve learned and experienced on the journey back to myself, which is still very much a work in progress. To be fully open and transparent with my thoughts and feelings. My hope is for this blog to serve as a resource, a gleam of light, and inspiration for others around the world, including my future generations, to courageously seek their true selves and embrace their real, raw stories.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I would be honored for you to share this post, subscribe, and join me in this curious, fascinating and intriguing journey called life. 

With Gratitude,

Abi